Crystal was talking about,
Stanford and her first SAT.

some of my memory was summoned.

It was one of my target, my dream? can I say?
I think, the desire is not strong enough,
or,

What?

I wanted to get into it,
I really wanted to,

but what happened?

My mum was talking to me, on phone
while, what was i doing?
playing Dota with dragon, in 108.

Still remember that, I was using Weaver.
wow, long long time ago isn't it
When was that?
Last November I guess?

My mum told me she was going to move away from dad,
they were in a really really bad relationship, a broken family I would say.
and she spent all the money that was supposed to pay for my uni fee on buying a new house.

Oh yeah, what can be worse, few weeks before I took the SAT, you told me this.

"Then... how can I get into Berkeley? or Stanford?"
     "Maybe, you better stay in Canada..."
"And I was devoting myself for so long and now you tell me this!?"
     "hmm..."

yeah... tears came out from my eyes.

"How about let me move out for the next semester and live in dragon's place?"
     "No, that's too dangerous."
"No that's not? Dragon's my best friend here."
     "No, he can't take the responsibility if my son is jeopardized whatsoever."
"I know how to take care of myself! And I'm sure we can save money from this?"
     "No, I said no!"

DAMN IT!
Even though I know how infinitesimal this amount of money by comparison with the Stanford/Berkeley tuition.

Even though I had the highest score in that dota game,
but I lost my future,
just because my family has no enough freaking money!

pissed, so pissed
really pissed
I hate that feeling, I swear
I hated all the people wasting my mum's money for awhile I admit.
(well, am I one of them?)

I was so mad at my mum and I felt the despondence.
The second time I felt despondent in my life till now.

The first time was my mum banned my from "touching" my computer.

And that was the second time, a faded dream.

She said "You were not supposed to have it! You don't have a thing until you earn it by yourself!"
Yes, she was right, I didn't know how to reply.
All I could blame was, "Then you shouldn't have gave me the hope and now you destroy it!"
And I hate, I do despite, those who don't keep the promise.
And yes, my mum is the person broke the most promise to me.
And now she's mad at me because I have a girlfriend?
screw it,
back to the topic.

I was struggling, I was so mad, I was so pissed, for a long long time.
like, 4 months?

I still remember,
on my 2007 birthday, I made three wishes, one of them was, I want to go to berkeley or stanford!
and on november, my mum told me that, no money to go to university...
on the 2008 count down, I made two wishes, and one of them was, still, I didn't give it up, I want to go to berkeley or stanford.

Well, as time passed, I turned better day by day.

What culminate my thinking of going to stanford/berkeley?
is it because of Joyce? is it? or it's just time?
I forgot, I really forgot.
well, it must be a factor, just forgot it's a major one or minor one.

yeah, then finally, I decided to stay in Canada...

Before November, I took the SAT II, 2150 out of 2400.
After November, I took SAT I, I dun wanna say what's my score already...

so that's my story of not going to US for my uni life, my wish
were those the reasons (no money? Joyce? time? e.t.c.) I got such low mark in SAT I?
or the reasons I decided not to go to Stanford/Berkeley?
or, that's just the excuse for my indolence?

am I being vainglorious?

Well, you judge.

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